The Puffin and the Plague Doctor

 There has been a recent addition to my happy if slightly disfunctional household.  My brother recently presented me with a plague doctor plush toy for my birthday (he also presented me with a bottle of Jepson's Mallort).  If you have never seen a fifty two year old man go into total fangirl meltdown over a plush toy then I have my parent's testimony that you can consider yourselves lucky.

Aforementioned plague doctor

Once the euphoria subsided however I was faced with how to introduce this new arrival to those already in residence.  The spiders in the corners and the occasional itinerant lizard would be fine but my puffin is of a violently jealous disposition.  Quite frankly I'm afraid to leave the house.  That's got nothing to do with the puffin, its just COVID inspired agoraphobia.

I thought the best way would be to have a photo session that would formally announce the plague doctor's presence (his name is Sebastian by the way) and establish his position in the family pecking order.  This order is subject to wild fluctuations but I generally wind up somewhere below the lizard that occasionally wanders through my bathroom.  My puffin agreed with hard eyes and a tight beak.

It all went quite well.  At first.  Sebastian and Tristan (the puffin, surely you remember) lined up for one of those stilted "we're a happy family" shots that tell you the next time you'll be hearing of that happy family is when the tragedy is announced on the news.

This is the photo which will no doubt appear under the headline "triple homicide..."

Relieved and somewhat pleased to have got through that without incident I was about to put the camera away when the voices in my head suggested that something wasn't quite right.  I don't always listen to these voices but since they tend to pay more attention to my surroundings than I do I don't always ignore them either.  I turned back to find puffin and plague doctor eyeball to eyeball on my dining room table.

Things are about to kick off

Before I could issue the token plea for calm that is the official signal that carnage is about to commence the trash talking had begun.

"Medieval quack," sneered the puffin.

"Poor man's penguin," shot back the plague doctor.

"Leech pimp!"

"Fish fondler!"

I didn't know whether to break them up or sell tickets.

Getting tense

My puffin crossed the distance between them in just the time it took me to pick him up and put him there but the plague doctor wasn't backing off an inch.  Which might have been unwise as I know that my puffin has a mean left wing.  I was now looking around nervously but the spiders and lizards had chosen this moment to tiptoe back to their respective corners.  I would be alone when the plush hit the fan.  I didn't have to wait long, my puffin made its move and suddenly the plague doctor was on its back under relentless puffin assault.

Oh it is on!

I watched in some distress (but more amusement) as they rolled across the table scratching and biting at each other.  Until I realised that they weren't actually fighting at which point I screamed and ran for my life.

None of the remaining photos are suitable for a family friendly blog such as this one although a select few are kept face down in my bedroom drawer.  If you're really interested a complete video can be found on one of the websites administered by my tech support.

To those of you who might point out that above is little more than the ramblings of a dubiously sane man playing with his plush toys I would just say that I've been stuck inside for a good deal of the last twelve months and cracks are obviously starting to appear.