Plague Update #3 - Now We Have to Worry About Quokkas

OK, so where to begin.  Let's start with New Zealand where, according to the grizzled survivalist who stole my correspondents phone from his partially cannibalised body, the government has instituted a total lockdown.  Everybody must stay in their homes unless they have a really, really good reason for going outside.  Hunger is only an excuse once you've run out of relatives, pets and edible flower arrangements.

Meanwhile in my sunkissed (and apparently disease riddled) homeland things are getting more serious but how serious and what exactly you're supposed to be doing about it seems to vary depending on what government representative is currently speaking.  Our prime minister hit the airwaves earlier today in an attempt to remove any clarity that might have been seeping into the national consciousness despite the government's best efforts.  The prime minister said we should all stay at home unless we are an essential worker.  He then defined "essential worker" as "anyone with a job".  I have a job.  If my continued working is essential to this nation then we're in far more trouble than simply COVID-19. 

I think the real problem is that our politicians are working with an internal conflict of interest.  I get the impression that they are trying to be clear and give decisive, honest and helpful information.  However every fibre of their being requires them to obfuscate, deceive and fill their sentences with blather and bullshit.  You can actually see the strain as they attempt to produce sentences that possess meaning and are genuinely helpful.  Sadly as yet they haven't got it quite right and the slightest question makes them revert instinctively back to their usual operating procedure.  This helps to explain why our Services Minister claimed there had been a cyber attack on the government welfare website when it had actually just crashed due to the number of people trying to access it.

While the government stumbles various businesses are stepping up to the plate.  It turns out we do have some sort of a manufacturing sector after all and they're busy making face masks and hand sanitiser and all of the stuff we would usually import from somewhere else.  My favourite example was the boutique distillery which normally produces its own gin but has now converted to making sanitiser.  I can't help thinking all they really had to do was take the juniper out of their original recipe.

My Tasmanian correspondent deigned to contact me this morning.  I really don't think she needed to spray sanitiser onto the screen while we were speaking but I decided not to argue.  Now that it's cut off from the rest of the world Tasmania has had an encouragingly low incidence of COVID-19 cases.

"Do you think the quarantine's working?" I asked.

"No," she replied.  "We just don't have any kits to do the testing."  The entire of Tasmania is either healthy or teetering on the edge of the grave.  Apparently only time will tell.  I wished my correspondent luck but she had already started bathing her computer with acid.

Further north Queensland is busy erecting barricades at the border with NSW (I get the impression they've wanted to do this for years but have only now got a legitimate excuse).  The Queensland premier made stern comments about her determination to protect the health of Queenslanders and simultaneously confirmed that two by-elections scheduled for the weekend would still be going ahead.  When it was pointed out that this would involve large numbers of people gathering in a reasonably confined area she suggested that those who are feeling sick should stay home, probably good advice at any time.  Fortunately for the continuation of democratic government in this country Australians do not have a constitutionally-protected individual right to vote which means that even if only three people and the local cat actually vote the results are still legitimate.

At least in Western Australia the government is taking things seriously.  With most people expected to be in their homes the government has limited alcohol purchases to the equivalent of a hundred standard drinks a day per person (I am not joking).  The government seems to have a pretty realistic idea of what will happen when people are forced to spend more time than usual with what are ostensibly their nearest and dearest.

Still on Western Australia a cruise ship is approaching port and is being prepared for rather like the plague ships of old.  No non residents will be allowed off the ship.  Those who are disembarking will be whisked to a specially built quarantine camp on Rottnest Island where they will be kept until they die or are obviously not going to.  The responsible government minister explicitly compared this high grade response with the shambling disaster in Sydney where it was decided to release plague carriers into society.  It seems pretty impressive but now I'm worried that if COVID-19 can jump species then Rottnest's quokkas will be at risk.  We have to keep at least one alive so Roger Federer can take another selfie with it the next time he's in the vicinity.  If food supplies for the quarantine camp run low the quokkas could be in danger for completely different reasons.

On a personal note my parents have barred me from their house.  This isn't usually too much of an issue but my mother's birthday is coming up and I usually drop by to remind them what I look like.  My father and I spoke last night and he pointed out that my brother is in poor health and both my parents are at the circling the drain section of their lives.  It was suggested it might be risky for all three if I took a two hour public transport journey to visit them.  I told my father that was a risk I was prepared to take.  He told me if I turned up he would set the dogs on me.  I pointed out they didn't have any dogs.  He said he would source some specially for the occasion.  I decided to wish my mother a happy birthday by phone.

I have to go now.  I just have time for a sanitiser and tonic before dinner.