Shielded Against Diseases

I stared at the drill bit coming closer and closer to my forehead.  It was difficult to tell whether it was the drill itself or the visible tremor in the hands of the heavily tattooed maniac holding it that was more disturbing.

"Guys, I'm really not sure about this."

"Oh for god's sake," snapped my tech support, "do you want a hepatitis vaccination or not?"

"Are you certain this is going to work?"

"Define certain."

I waved away the "surgeon" and fumbled with the restraints.

"Why was it necessary to strap me down?"

"Sometimes there's a little bit of thrashing around,  the occasional violent convulsion, quite frequently the patient runs out of the room screaming before the procedure is complete, or in fact started."

"Do any of you actually have a medical degree?"

"No but we've operated on a lot of doctors who do.  We've rarely had complaints."

I thought of asking "why not" but decided against it.

"Look, if you don't like getting vaccinations why do you insist on travelling to countries that need them?  And this is only for hepatitis.  Just wait until we get on to the rabies shots."

"There's no need for that," I assured them.  "I'm not going to be patting any monkeys and besides I happen to know that Thailand leads the world in the treatment of rabies."

Oddly my tech support looked a little affronted.

"It may surprise you to know that we have had incredible success with our new rabies treatment," they huffed.

"Really?"

"Clinical trials showed a 100% success rate.  Every political prisoner we injected contracted rabies."

"You conduct medical experiments on political prisoners?"

"Would you prefer it if we conducted them on people we liked?"

"Human rights are still a work in progress in Belarus aren't they?"

"I'll have you know that we currently have the fewest political prisoners in our country's history."

"That's good news, is the government becoming more liberal?"

"No, mostly its the rabies.  Do you need a tetanus booster while we're here?"

"All fine on that front," I assured them.  "My last tetanus shot still has a long time to run."

"That's probably just as well," they replied.  "Stanislaus is an excellent surgeon but sometimes he does forget to disinfect the drill between uses."

"Tell me why am I doing this instead of just going to a doctor?"

"Because we're ten dollars cheaper and have the names of the hottest ladyboy hookers in Bangkok."

I turned to Stanislaus, "Is this likely to hurt?" I asked.

"Oh hell, yes," he replied cheerfully.

"Better tighten the restraints then."