Birthday Greetings #76

Some imperial dynasties soar, providing leader after leader of great talent before sliding downwards into general decrepitude.  The Habsburgs somehow managed to make mediocrity a survival trait.  Meanwhile the Macedonian dynasty of the Byzantine empire seemed to have a bad case of hiccoughs.  A talented emperor would be followed by some worthless loser who in turn would give way to a man of talent who at the end of his reign could apparently find no better successor than another deadbeat.

With that in mind let us wish a happy birthday to Alexander, Byzantine emperor, scion of the Macedonian house and worthless degenerate toolbag.  Alexander's father, Basil, had founded the dynasty by the simple expedient of murdering the last representative of the previous dynasty and taking his place (although since his predecessor was sleeping with his wife its entirely possible he didn't actually found a dynasty at all).  Still Basil died and the man who was officially his son, one Leo by name, took over the empire.  Alexander was his younger brother and most definitely his father's son (since the only other paternal candidate had been murdered before his conception).

Officially Leo and Alexander reigned jointly for thirty odd years but in actual fact Alexander spent most of the time getting drunk while his brother did the reigning and engaging in serial matrimony (even emperors need a hobby).  When Leo died his son, Constantine, was too young to take over even nominally and so Alexander stepped up to the title role.

More accurately Alexander staggered up to the title role and then threw up on it.  His first act was to toss Constantine's mother (Leo's latest wife) into a nunnery.  Then he sacked all of Leo's advisors.  Then he sacked the patriarch of Constantinople and brought back an earlier incumbent who had been sacked earlier because of his objection to Leo's fourth marriage.

With political and ecclesiastical reform thus achieved Alexander fixed his bloodshot eye on diplomacy.  The principal issue besetting the empire at this time was the Bulgarians.  They had adopted Christianity, conquered some of their neighbours and set up quite a respectable little empire in miniature in the Balkans.  To persuade them to stay there earlier Byzantine diplomats had arranged a royal wedding between an imperial princess and whichever of the Bulgarian royal family had the fewest fleas hopping on him.  To go with the princess was a yearly allowance to enable her to maintain a state appropriate to her rank.  Or to put it another way the Byzantines basically paid the Bulgarians not to cause trouble.  For a while this worked but when Bulgar emissaries came to Constantinople for the next installment of the (let's not call it tribute, living allowance is a much nicer term.  While the allowance was paid Byzantine citizens on the borders of Bulgaria were allowed to continue living) payment Alexander decided on a whole new diplomatic approach.

He raved at them drunkenly, insulted them, their monarch, their people and anyone else who happened to be standing nearby.  He told them they wouldn't be getting a penny from him and finally he told them to sod off.  The Bulgars withdrew and their thoughtful and measured response involved pouring across the border, slaughtering everything breathing and burning down everything else.  With government paralysed, the borderlands aflame and the newly installed patriarch attempting (unsuccessfully) to purge pretty much anyone he'd ever met Alexander decided that the only thing left to do was play polo.  If you're a middle aged drunk in poor health and quite possibly mentally unhinged then a vigorous, athletic game like polo is ideal if you're looking for an early grave.

Right on cue Alexander toppled off his horse mid match and fell motionless to the ground.  To be fair Alexander falling motionless to the ground happened often enough so that people probably weren't too concerned at first.  Eventually they figured out he wasn't drunk (or at least, not just drunk) and dragged him off the field, after all there was a match to complete.  A couple of days later he died.  His passing was greeting with genuine sorrow by absolutely no one.