Travelling Hopefully - Historically Dubious Edition

Nova Scotia my next destination has a rich and proud history.  At least I assume it does, pretty much every where has a rich and proud history if you ask the people who come from there.  As an outsider with a total ignorance of Nova Scotia I find myself uniquely placed to provide insights into the province unencumbered by cultural bias or prejudicial facts.

The history of Nova Scotia dates back some nine thousand years to when the nomadic Scotia tribe followed the migratory maple syrup herds west and encountered the Bronze Age culture of the Novans who had settled in what is today Halifax because the harbour currents washed away their sewage.  The Novans had a rich and complex system of cultural beliefs based on the passing of the stars, the turning of the seasons and the moving of the bowels.  The Scotians had a fuckload of weapons and remarkably few scruples about using them.

After some six and a half thousand years of continual warfare a truce was called and the leader of the Novans approached the Scotians and spoke them in these terms:

“Oh ye Scotians, know that we have great gifts of culture, art, agriculture, plumbing, medicine and the beginnings of a functional welfare system whereas you have weapons that we would really like you to stop hitting us with.  Surely we can come to some sort of arrangement here.”

Tears sprang to the Scotian leader’s eyes at these words of wisdom  and without hesitation he  cracked open the Novan leader’s head and devoured his brains so that such wisdom and insight could also be passed on to his children.  Thus the two peoples were united and the nation of Nova Scotia was born.

Approximately three weeks later they were approached by the British who asked them if they’d like to become a colony.  The Nova Scotians politely declined.  The British pointed out it was them or the French.  At this the Nova Scotians embraced the Union Jack with an enthusiasm normally only seen at white supremacist rallies in Bristol.

Membership of the empire brought economic benefits and it wasn’t long before Halifax became a major trading centre and Nova Scotia was established as the worlds principal source of blueberry dung and seal genitalia.

When World War II was declared the Nova Scotians rallied to the motherland committing their entire armoured zeppelin contingent to the cause.  Years of sacrifice and struggle followed but finally the Nova Scotians got their reward when the British snatched down their flag and abandoned their erstwhile subjects to the tender mercies of the new and predatory nation of Canada.  The Nova Scotians tried to resist but with most of their armoured zeppelin force shot down in raids over Arkansas (there may have been some navigational issues) and Canada’s elite airborne caribou brigade leading the assault capitulation was was only a matter of time.

Now of course Nova Scotia is proud to be Canada’s 87th province and looks forward to a bright future under the maple leaf flag.  Apart of course from the revolts in 1955, 1962, 1967-74, 1977-89, 1991-99, 2003-11 and the ongoing insurgency in the hinterland.