Silly After Action Report - With Apologies to any Finnish Readers

The scene: A heavily camouflaged field sauna on the front lines.  Major Peetu Sukketin is wrapped in a towel reviewing readiness reports while enjoying a quick snack of herring and hallucinogenic reindeer urine.  The door bursts open and Captain Honkken-Horne stumbles in wide eyed.  Major Sukketin looks up in alarm.

"Honkken-Horne are you all right?  You look dreadful."

"Some stranger just tried to make conversation with me on the bus," replied the captain in tones of outrage

"Dear god, here have some reindeer piss."
 
The captain took the proffered mug and gathered himself.

"Sir, we have a problem?"

"What, are we running out of Finnish stereotypes?"

"Oh no sir, we haven't even touched on heavy metal yet. No, it looks like the Soviets are planning an attack."

"How's the mood of the men?"

"Not good, the hot weather is getting to them.  Do you know that some of the ponds aren't entirely solid any more?"

Sukketin nodded sympathetically,

"Don't worry, I'm getting us some assault guns from Lagus."

"I didn't know Nigeria made assault guns."

Yes, I could probably go on like that for quite a while but instead let's get to the AAR.  Having acquired Hakkaa Paalle over a year ago I realised that I haven't played a single scenario from it so I suggested to Ivan that we try Scenario 174 - Lagus Assault Guns.  I will be taking the stalwart Finns as they discover that backing Nazi Germany was the second worst geo-political mistake they ever made (the first was locating their country so close to Russia).  I'm defending against the ravening Soviet hordes who are trying to snatch a handful of buildings, presumably as a precursor to grander things.

To defend this little patch of Finland I have ten first line squads, a mmg, a pair of lmgs, a panzershreck, a big 81mm mortar and a pair of Sturmis which is the rather cute name the Finns gave to their German sourced StuG self propelled guns.  Ivan as the Soviets gets eight squads of mixed first line and elite troops backed up by an hmg and a trio of lights. As reinforcements he gets six squads of elite 6-2-8 assault engineers toting demo charges and a flamethrower led by a doughty 9-1.  Backing up this, in my opinion, already overly powerful Soviet force are four very impressive AFVs.  Two T-34/85 tanks and a pair of monstrous SP guns toting the sort of weapon normally only seen in human cannonball acts.

To win Ivan has to either control six of the seven buildings within three hexes of location 17R4 or get five squads and two AFVs past a line shown in red on the map below.  I thought the buildings were the most likely target and set up with a significant force in southwest forest facing where I thought he would enter.  My mortar set up hidden in the forest to the west where it could control both the open ground to the east and the road approaches.  The two assault guns I nestled in trees further back essentially holding them in reserve (ok I didn't know what to do with them, all right?).  The rest of my forces I set up in a cordon trailing east where they could either protect against a flanking attack or move to block him should he punch straight down the eastern road looking for the exit VP.

Ivan surprised me by holding his armour back and entering his entire force in the extreme west.  He pushed his infantry through the orchards and forest but suffered a savage set back almost immediately.  He moved a pair of squads (plus an lmg) forward through the trees and directly into LOS of my mortar.  My second round was a hit and a snake eyes on the effects killed both squads outright.  And this was only turn 1.  Ivan was his usual restrained self at this set back while I danced a jig around my computer and mocked him cruelly.  I did little in my turn except skulk to regain concealment and attempt, unsuccessfully to gain more results with my mortar.

End of Ivan's turn 1 and he's already two squads down (north is to the right)

Ivan brought on his assault engineers in the second turn but once again held his armour back.  In contrast with the westerly positioning of his first force the reinforcements came on far to the east and charged for the one squad I had sitting in a building as a speed bump.  It managed to break one squad before the brown tide overwhelmed it and sent it yelping and broken to the west.  Ivan's strategy seemed clear.  He was going to try and fix the bulk of my forces in the west while his assault engineers made a dash down (or at least adjacent to) the forest road for the exit.  I didn't mind being fixed in the west.  I felt I had enough forces east to slow and possibly stop that push.  As it turned out I was being optimistic.

Regular troops in the north, assault engineers in the south

In my turn my mortar broke some more guys but for the rest of it I just shuffled some of my eastern troops down to where I thought they might inconvenience Ivan's push.  Inconvenience is a generous term as it turned out.

Finally on turn three the Soviet armour made its appearance.  Both T34s came on in the east to back up his assault engineers while the two big guns rolled west to provide some much needed fire support for his western troops who, frankly, had got nowhere.  Monstrously sized shells obliterated a couple of dummy stacks and it was obvious that it was time to abandon my forward defence up there.

"Back up" incidentally is a good term for how Ivan used his tanks.  The sat back well away from my troops (and their one hex range panzerfausts) while his assault engineers pushed forward.  It soon became obvious that a) I couldn't stop them and b) having eight morale troops was simply a challenge to the dicebot to ensure that I still failed morale checks.  A squad and lmg having failed a morale check Ivan surprised me by suspending operations while he enthusiastically surrounded the brokies and killed them for failure to rout.  I questioned this tactic and Ivan indicated he was afraid of the Finnish self rally capacity.  This was needless paranoia on Ivan's part as five turns of combat have resulted in my self rallying a total of one half squad.  Still what it did mean was that I only had two squads (plus some dummies) left to defend the east.  Defence down there now consisted of skulking and praying.

Ivan is pushing forward

My western defenders had been pushed into the far western part of the woods they occupied which allowed Ivan to swing some troops and an assault gun round the trees to the east looking to push through a gap into the open ground and the victory buildings.  All I had there was one squad and a HIP hero w/schreck and halfsquad.  I really hoped I might get a shot on the AFV but when a squad with an lmg wound up right next door I felt I had to take a six flat shot at them for no result.  Another six flat shot in prep fire also generated no result and then somewhat recklessly I advanced into CC.  I was hoping my stealth and hero would compensate for lack of numbers.  Nope they died and I lost the panzerschreck without firing a shot.  Ivan now had three squads and an assault gun in this vicinity compared with my squad and a half while the remainder of his western force (essentially a squad with the hmg) kept my other guys busy.

The hero with the panzerschreck is about to die

Things took a turn for the better in the west when a squad battle hardened becoming fanatic and generating a hero.  All Ivan had in the immediate vicinity was his hmg squad and a lonely 8-1 leader.

A word about that hmg squad.  So far its done nothing.  With a 5pp weapon it can hardly move at all and I thought I would be rather clever.  Rather than attack it I would advance east against his lone leader with a hero led fanatic squad and simultaneously head a little closer to what was obviously going to be the main scene of the fighting.  You know how this goes, I had 7-1 odds, rolled boxcars and watched him withdraw back to a convenient location next to the hmg squad.  I'm sure that's going to hurt me later.

Meanwhile in the east I was defending by sniper.  With my skulking troops having pretty much run out of forest to slink back into I was forced to actually shoot.  I failed and had a squad broken and ELR'ed into the bargain.  Now I had just one squad left down there.  However my sniper made up for all.  I got four sniper results, three 1s and a 2.  I broke a squad, casualty reduced a squad, killed his 9-1 and pinned another squad.  Lest you feel some sympathy for Ivan at this point I invite you to reflect on how many fours he must have rolled to generate all that particularly when I didn't get a sniper on every opportunity.  Ivan had advanced a squad into CC with my one remaining intact unit in the east and, glory of glories, I slaughtered him at no cost to myself.  And with that I had broken Ivan's strategy.  He needed to get five squads plus two AFVs past the red line and now he only had four squads of assault engineers left.  Which means that the remnants of his other force are really going to have to step up.

A close combat triumph. Let the bells ring out

 Ivan started turn six with what I thought was an act of pure spite.  My squad in the east which had just triumphed in close combat was somewhat awkwardly positioned between two other squads both carrying a flamethrower.  Ivan cheerfully soaked them in flaming liquid and then shot the broken, ELRed survivors.

With the pointless sadism phase completed Ivan gathered himself for a last desperate throw.  Prep fire in the centre broke my last undamaged squad in that vicinity (I still couldn't buy a morale check) and then he was off.  Two squads of his assault engineers ignored the remnants of my defence and made their way to the exit line.  I was happy to let them go.  Then his remaining two squads made their move.  One by one they charged across the open (well, openish) ground heading for the red line.  Now however the dice which had been a bucketload of suck for most of the game (snipers excepted) favoured me.  His first squad, guided by a leader, wound up behind a hedge adjacent to my rearmost Sturmi which was pointing the wrong way.  I slewed it round, got a hit and broke the squad.  Eager for revenge Ivan roared his forwardmost T34/85 up the forest road.  To do so it had to slide past a concealed squad, sadly my morale check failures came back to haunt me, the squad was now green and ineligible for a panzerfaust.  But then Ivan rolled out directly in front of the recently fired Sturmi.  For the first time since I have been playing this game intensive fire worked for me.  I scored an unconfirmed kill on the T34.  Then it was the turn of his other squad.  It raced past my other Stumi trusting to grain and a two hexside VCA change to protect it.  Nope, critical hit which vapourised the squad and its lmg and also kept rate.  Things were looking grim for Ivan but he didn't despair.  Sitting in a building in the middle ground was a stack I had managed to keep concealed.  Ivan started up an assault gun and lurched forward determined to freeze them in bypass.  This might have worked if he hadn't forgotten that my Sturmi had kept rate.  A side shot smashed the assault gun and suddenly Ivan was getting low on armour as well.

The point behind Ivan's armour sacrifice was the hope of freezing my guys in the building with bypass.  That hadn't worked but he played his last card anyway.  His final squad abandoned the useless hmg, hopped onto his surviving assault gun and rolled down the road.  At which point I revealed my 9-1 guided mmg and hosed him off the vehicle.  In the rout phase, absent any live Soviets I managed pull a couple of broken units back to a victory building that wasn't actually in any danger at all.

In my sixth turn my rearmost Sturmi took out his T34/85 but the final nail in Ivan's coffin, appropriately enough, came when a sniper broke one of the few functioning squads he had left.  That was sufficient.  He didn't have enough troops left to have even the slightest hope of getting five squads past the red line.  Ivan conceded with grace.  I accepted with malice.

The end; not too many Finns but almost no Soviets

"Where the hell are the men?" demanded Sukketin looking around in astonishment.  Honkken-Horne gave an embarrassed grin.

"Apparently when the shooting started they all ran and hid in the refrigerator sir."

"I knew it was a mistake bringing that thing with us.  Well drag them out and tell them the Sturmis won the battle for us.  Just in time too, I have to return them."

"I've already covered them in stamps and mailed them to Abuja."

"Lagus you idiot and that joke is getting old!"