The Wrath of Gods

It's never a good idea to annoy a god.  I should have learnt that lesson after the entire Huitzilipochtli incident.  To this day I don't dare visit Mexico without keeping an eye out for men in feathered headdresses wielding obsidian knives (which is actually good advice for anyone really).

Still I didn't really intend to get into a pissing contest with Hermes.  What can I say?  It was late, alcohol was involved, things were said.  Before I knew it the phrase "Bicycle Courier of the Gods" had crossed my lips.  Not classy I admit but still Hermes' reaction did seem a little over the top.  Fortunately the bouncers stepped in before he could smite me dead on the spot.  As he was hustled away he muttered that his "messengers" would deal with me.  I was tactless enough to laugh.

The next morning (well ok, early afternoon) when I got up I heard an unexplained cooing noise.  Bewildered I stumbled out onto my balcony to be confronted with a pigeon eyeing me with what I can only describe as malice.  I must admit I found this amusing.  I chased it off the balcony and was foolish enough to say something like, "Is that the best you can do Hermes?"  Before I had even finished the sentence not one but two pigeons fluttered onto the balcony cooing malevolently.  I ignored them and went to work.

In retrospect leaving a window open was a tactical error.  I returned to find my lounge room a scene of guano heavy devastation.  I vacuumed up the shed feathers, cleaned up the pigeon crap and, somewhat belatedly, closed the window.  The next morning my balcony was awash with pigeons.  They cooed, they crapped and a number of them appeared to be trying to open the door.  I charged out waving my hands but the pigeon numbers had reached critical mass and they were no longer afraid of me.  Yes they took to the air but this was a tactic not fear as I realised when they started circling around my head.  I fled back inside and slammed the door.  The cooing was now a full throated rumble which made thinking difficult and speech impossible.  In that cooing I could hear Hermes' mocking laughter.

I'm currently barricaded in my lounge room and the sheer weight of all the pigeons on the balcony is starting to compromise the structural integrity of the building.  Some of the neighbours have already fled to safer ground and the cooing is a constant grind inside my head.  I've got to find some way of apologising to Hermes before its too late.  Perhaps he'd appreciate a Hermes gift basket.

On a positive note when I do manage to get rid of the pigeons I'm going to be able to open a phosphate mine on my balcony.