Shamrocks and Saltires and Other Stereotypes

Today is St Patrick's Day.  I realised this when I noticed that the slobbering drunks hanging around outside the pub were wearing more green than usual.  Today celebrates St Patrick an early Christian saint, a teacher a preacher and a man of god.  So naturally we celebrate his life by dressing in green and drinking til we puke.

St Patrick's Day is celebrated the world over by millions of people whose main reason for doing so is that somewhere in their family's past was an individual who had the means and the opportunity to get the hell out of Ireland.  I don't mean to criticise Ireland, I've been there.  It's perfectly nice.  They probably celebrate St Patrick's Day there too although I don't really see the point.  After all when you wake up the next day and clutch your aching head, you're still in Ireland.

For those who don't know why St Patrick is justly (if wildly inappropriately)celebrated everywhere a hint of Irish blood can be found here is a brief recap of his major achievements.  He kicked all the snakes out of Ireland.  This is what everybody knows about St Patrick and in keeping with most other things that  "everybody knows" it's total crap.  The entire snake eviction episode is what the church calls an allegory and what you or I would call a bare faced lie.  The sort of people who believe St Patrick kicked the snakes out of Ireland are the sort of people who believe that England's patron saint took down seventy feet of armour plated fire breathing reptile with little more than a sword and lance.  The truth of the matter is that St Patrick didn't evict the snakes and St George had a minigun.  It is far more likely that the snakes in Ireland simply took the first opportunity to emigrate to America where there were job opportunities posing for revolutionary flags.

So, with the snake episode consigned to the dustbin of hagiography what's the big deal with St Patrick?  Well he was impressive enough in his own right and frankly he's probably a little bit embarrassed to have gone down in history as nothing more than a reptile wrangler.  St Patrick (or Patricius as he was probably known) was born in Roman Britain during the dying days of the empire.  Although his father was a Christian priest Patrick wasn't particularly devout until he was kidnapped by Irish slave raiders who took him to Ireland and forced him to herd sheep.  There he found God, possibly under a sheep. 

Escaping from slavery he undertook a religious education and became a monk.  With his monkihood freshly upon him he returned to Ireland and proceeded to convert the population, who at that time were still following less socially acceptable religious practices, to Christianity.  He didn't actually convert the entire island but he made a good start and paved the way for those who would follow.  It wasn't all smooth sailing, he was beaten up and threatened with death but eventually he learnt not to preach just as the pubs were closing.

Of course if you're of a nasty historical bent you can point out that there had been Christian missionaries to Ireland before Patrick and that a great deal of the supposed details of his life can't be substantiated.  One could make the same claim about pretty much anyone who was born in those days but unless we accept that the human race pretty much materialised out of thin air on the day birth certificates were invented half remember whispers and commonly agreed folk history has to do until we invent time travel.

Just on that last point I can't help thinking that if we ever do invent time travel the very first thing that will happen is that the inventor will be beaten to death by a gang of desperately anxious historians.

But back to St Patrick, although he may not have been the first he was, and is, definitely the best remembered.  Can anyone except a Catholic theologian remember who St Palladius was?  Thought not.  So Patrick has his reputation and the fact that he has the reputation is pretty much proof that he earned it.  Nobody remembers nobodies.

For those who are non religious or violently opposed to religion you can still celebrate St Patrick's Day if you just remember that the 17th of March actually marks the date of his death.  Have a pint of Guinness and dance on his grave.