The Astonishing Truth About Tapeworms

You may recall gentle reader that a short while ago in the pages of this very blog I promised to reveal the astonishing truth about tapeworms.  Actually I promised this on the 5th of June 2011 but that's still a short while geologically speaking.  I fully intended to keep that promise but at the time I had no idea of the dark undercurrents swirling around this story.  Shortly after I made that promise I was interviewed (you can say "recruited" if you like) by some very serious people who persuaded me that the safety of the world depended on my silence.

The events of the next few months were terrible indeed and when the dust (and the tapeworms) had settled my colleagues and I swore an oath on the bones of our ancestors (at least, I'm pretty sure they were someone's ancestors) to keep silent about the whole affair.  It took it's toll though, to this day I cannot look at a pomegranate without screaming but at the end of it the world was safe, although I still wouldn't advise drinking the water.  Or playing the banjo.

But that was over two years ago now.  The governments most directly involved have fallen, times have changed and most of the participants are now dead.  Indeed the last of them died last week in the departure lounge of Karachi airport with a tapeworm wrapped around his throat, and his torso, and his legs, and seven pieces of matched luggage.  I now feel free to speak.

It isn't my intention to go into complete details.  To fully understand what when on in those grim times when the future of civilisation hung by a thread you would need an intimate knowledge of string theory (as it applies to tapeworms), tapeworms (as they apply to string theory), ballistics, metallurgy, Mayan astrology and an understanding of the internal court politics of the Kamakura Shogunate.  The last isn't essential but it's a fascinating topic.

Did you know tapeworms are really intelligent?  Think about it, how many animals manage to have their home, transport and food source concentrated in one convenient animal.  It would be like living in a mobile home made of meat.  And if you do live in a mobile home made of meat you quite likely have tapeworms.   What few people realise is the extent to which humans are manipulated by tapeworms.  Do you really think anybody wants to play with a skipping rope really?  Of course not, its just tapeworm pornography.  And don't get me started on string theory.  Physicists may think they're unravelling the mysteries of the universe but actually they're just translating the tapeworm bible.  Tapeworms are actually astonished its taking us so long, all it really says is "Let there be tapeworms".  Quite a simple and elegant little theology really.

Mostly tapeworms are a friendly and easygoing bunch living in harmony with their human hosts (or "meat wagons" as they affectionately call us) but of course there always has to be that small handful who ruin it for everybody else.  I'm talking about the isolated, embittered tapeworm who decides he's had a gutful of humans which is ironic if nothing else.  These moody loners make their way to the brain and start playing silly buggers with their host's neural pathways.  Most of the time this is amusing enough but occasionally they do it to somebody that everyone, tapeworms included, rather needs to stay sane.  At which point chaos ensues.

Fortunately the last time this happened some public spirited tapeworms managed to contact these colleagues of mine and certain steps were taken.  I'm not going to go into details or provide dates, times, places, circumstances, context or supporting evidence.  If you were paying attention to the state owned media of Belarus and San Marino at the time you'll be able to join the dots.  All that you really need to know is that when the chips are down the tapeworms have got our back.  Or at least our backsides.