Lower, Slower, Weaker!

I can't believe its been four years since the last time I mocked the Commonwealth Games.  Yet, its true.  As we speak proud athletes from all around the world are competing in Glasgow in what must be the world's greatest celebration of sporting mediocrity.  Athletes you've never heard of from countries that barely exist vie to set records that mean nothing.  Usain Bolt has copped a lot of flak for being quoted as saying the Commonwealth Games are "a bit shit". This is an outrageous slur. Come on Usain, "a bit?"

Over seventy countries are competing this year.  Well, I say countries.  What I mean is countries, colonies, tax havens, geographic expressions and occasional offcuts of empire that still haven't taken the hint and declared independence.  Gibraltar is there despite the fact that the British have been trying to give them back to Spain for a couple of decades now.  Jersey, Guernsey, the Cayman Islands and the British Virgin Islands have all sent teams which makes me wonder exactly who is laundering drug money and facilitating tax evasion in their absence.  Tuvalu has sent five athletes which is pretty much their entire population and the Falkland Islands have sent a team of twenty five to ensure the British don't forget that Argentina is still right next door to them.

For those who don't know what the Commonwealth Games is and would like to know (there are probably about six of  you) I shall provide the following helpful explanation.  The Commonwealth Games started off their existence as the British Empire Games.  It was thought that having representatives from various parts of the empire meet and compete in a spirit of friendly competition would foster good relations.  A measure of its success can be found in the size of the empire today.  Despite this the Commonwealth Games is still going weak.  Essentially attendance is open to everyone who was ever invaded, occupied colonised or conquered by Great Britain.  The presence of Mozambique indicates that this might have been extended to anybody who lives next door to such a nation.  It occurs to me that the United States is probably eligible to attend but so far they haven't followed that up.

The big tragedy is that Gambia (or The Gambia as it is sometimes known) has pulled out of both the games and the Commonwealth meaning its athletes will have to find some other way of smuggling themselves into Britain.  One of the most enjoyable competitions is taking bets on how many of the athletes that have arrived for the games actually return to their home countries.

Proudly hosting the games is the city of Glasgow (that's in Scotland, it's where Taggart is set).  Glasgow won the games in hot competition from Abuja in Nigeria.  Apparently the deciding factor was that walking through the streets of Glasgow was considered marginally less dangerous than simply living in Nigeria.  There was a time when this was definitely not the case so I guess Glasgow has cleaned itself up.  Also they hosted the 1997 World Badminton Championships so they obviously know how to handle second rate international competitions. 

The mascot of the games is a thistle called Clyde.  I don't know why it has been decided that games need mascots, nor do I know why such mascots seem to have as little to do with athletics as possible.  When was the last time a thistle won a medal at the Commonwealth Games?

The games are afoot (to butcher a phrase).  Hundreds of athletes from dozens of countries are doing their not particularly impressive best to make their nations (or colonies or whatever) proud under the benign gaze of Clyde the Thistle.  The only question remaining to be answered is if the Scots do declare independence in September will they retrospectively cancel the games?  I'm prepared to bet they still turn up to the next ones.