Well Done! Have a Pot Plant

According to a recent survey a pot plant on your desk at work makes you happier and increases productivity.  Such a statement gives rise to certain questions the most significant probably being, "Who on earth gets paid to study the impact of pot plants on productivity?"  There are other questions as well of course such as, "Would a plastic plant do?",  "How about a garden gnome?" and "Don't you have anything better to do?"

I wonder if any thought has been given to the possibility that, rather than causing joy and productivity amongst the labouring masses, it is possible that those who are happy and productive in their work are rewarded with pot plants.  It's cheaper than a payrise.  If the firm has a good year perhaps everyone could get a pot plant.  "Congratulations on sealing that deal, have a ficus."

Of course if someone failed to measure up there would be the ceremonial stripping of the potplant.  The hapless employee would stand rigidly to attention beside their desk racked with silent tears while a grim faced representative of management rips the leaves from the pot plant and casts them at the perpetrator's feet while fellow employees watch in shocked and fearful silence.

Thus the pot plant is less a promoter of productivity and more part of a system of rewards and punishments.  Let's face it, if an employee turned up at their desk one day and the pot plant was missing everyone would get the message.  This begs the question, what happens if someone truly excels?  Do they get a second pot plant?  A third?  How valuable do you have to be to the company before you qualify for the hanging basket with crossed swords and (of course) oakleaves.  At what point does the company acknowledge your value by simply moving your desk up into a tree?

Think of the bragging rights that would be associated with working in a tree.  While others have to make do with some droopy leafed pot plant there you are sitting on a branch literally gazing down on lesser folk.  Admittedly it would be somewhat ironic if you happened to work in the timber industry, ironic and possibly dangerous.  Getting the axe would have an unpleasantly literal connotation.

I, it will surprise noone to learn, do not have a pot plant on my desk.  Obviously my stock is not high with management (who at last report were located somewhere in the Brazilian rainforest).  It would seem I am not worthy of the honour.  Perhaps its time to review and acknowledge that possibly pot plants do help productivity and that my glaring lack of such a leafy adornment is the explanation for my current level of productivity.  That seems to make a lot more sense to me than blaming it on irrelevancies like my laziness and incompetence.