Egg Porn!!!

Egg porn!  It's all over instagram.  Over twenty thousand separate photos and counting.  Wherever you look on instagram there are explicit shots of eggs shamelessly flaunting their yolks for all the world to see.  Sweaty thumbed perverts with a pre adolescent chicken fetish breathe raggedly as the next picture of an egg reclining provocatively on a freshly toasted muffin dripping with melted butter (oh, that warm, salty taste) appears on their iphone screen.

Oh there are the excuses; "it's consensual" a supporter cries, "All I do is look," pants another licking suddenly dry lips as he does so.  Let's make it very clear; its exploitation.  Eggs normally come from broken homes, and depressed backgrounds with few hopes of educational or career prospects.  Egg porn can seem like the only way to avoid a lifetime of overcrowded housing and scratching in the dirt to find food.

Even its supporters acknowledge a dark side to the egg porn industry.  One industry veteran who spoke on condition of anonymity noted the rapidly growing presence of "undesirables".  "It used to be chefs," this insider said, "or at least decent cooks.  Now every dirtbag with a skillet and a camera phone is knocking out egg porn, sometimes under really unsafe conditions.  A few people are even photographing other people's work and claiming it as their own."  I thought of my latest instagram update and blushed with shame.

There's a shockingly high turn over in the egg porn industry.  Few eggs do more than one photo.  "What happens to them all?" I asked.  My contact wouldn't meet my eyes, "This industry devours them," she muttered before attempting to change the subject.  I tried to track down some former egg porn stars but I met a wall of silence.  It appears noone wants to talk about it.  When I attempted to press the point the threats started.  "Get that damn microphone out my lunch before I shove it up your arse, you freak," was the most polite of the comments I received.

Sure egg porn may seem harmless, especially when enjoyed in privacy between consenting adults but I beg everyone to consider the cracked shells and shattered yolks among some of our community's most vulnerable members.  The American journalist PJ O'Rourke once posed the question, "If meat is murder are eggs rape?"  The answer is, worse.  Eggs are child abuse.  I beg everyone not to support these monsters.

But first please "like" my egg porn photo on instagram.