Double "O" My God!

There was an article in the paper the other day entitled "the Dark Side of Hezbollah".  Which is rather like writing an article called "the Disadvantages of Dying Horribly in a Car Accident".  Apparently some chap is under arrest in Cyprus because he is a Hezbollah under cover agent and was plotting to blow up Israeli tourists or some such.  He has confessed (Cypriot police insist only acceptable levels of torture were used) and faces a long gaol sentence.

Seriously this is something that Cyprus doesn't need right now.  The economy of Cyprus (in so far as it has one) depends on the twin pillars of tourism and laundering money for the Russian mafia.  Since apparently being fronts for organised crime wasn't enough to protect the financial institutions of Cyprus from the global financial crisis that leaves tourism as the sole thing keeping the wolf from the Cypriot door.  The Cypriot authorities are unlikely to look kindly on somebody threatening the only thing between them and national bankruptcy, particularly when their version of national bankruptcy is likely to involve heavily armed Russian psychopaths turning up and demanding their money.

There is good news on the Hezbollah front though at least for the world in general if not for Cyprus in particular.  Apparently they've been training some of their operatives in old school intelligence tactics and have actually got rather good at them.  This makes them the ideal villain for the next James Bond movie.  A heavily armed militia with its own intelligence arm, perfect.  Of course we may need a bigger plot hook than collateral damage to the Cypriot economy but I think that can be arranged.

You see it isn't just Russian mobsters who have been laundering money through the banks of Cyprus.  A lot of "legitimate" Russian "businessmen" have been doing so as well.  That means that one of the aforementioned heavily armed Russian psychopaths knocking at the door is likely to be Vladimir Putin.  It shouldn't be hard to craft a James Bond plot from that lot particularly when you throw in a likely civil revolt as well.

Are the people of Cyprus on the edge of revolt?  Well they are now thanks to the latest piece of demented insanity that the EU has come up with to deal with Cyprus' financial woes.  In order to stave off the aforementioned bankruptcy the EU has agreed to provide eight billion dollars in loans. To part pay for this largesse the EU has demanded that the Cypriot government kick in some money by looting (sorry, taxing) ten percent of the contents of every individual bank account in Cyprus.  The Cypriot government managed to fiddle this a bit so small account holders pay less but it still results effectively in an EU directive that the Cypriot government rob its own people.

One can understand the EU's irritation.  Here they are essentially bailing out a gang of money launderers because they proved to be incompetent at even running a criminal banking industry and there must have been a sense of schadenfreude from the EU bureaucrat who suggested that they steal from the Russian mob to help pay for it.  Unfortunately they are also stealing from every single Cypriot provident enough to put away some money for the future and silly enough to trust it to a Cypriot bank.  For some reason the EU thinks that officially taking money out of Cypriot bank accounts without permission is likely to restore the health of the Cypriot banking sector (you know as opposed to persuading every single person with funds in such an account to withdraw it and hide it under a mattress).  The Cypriot government in their only intelligent move so far has kept banks closed since the news was broken to avoid a run.  The people, understandably are wrath (or is it wroth?).  They're not happy anyway.

So the scene for the Cypriot government at the moment is they look like having their front door kicked in by outraged Russian mobsters at the same time their back door is assailed by a mob of justifiably infuriated citizens while Vladimir Putin lands a hang glider on the roof with a nuclear weapon in each hand and a knife between his teeth and the postman keeps delivering snippy letters from the EU demanding to know why they haven't seen the money yet.  Oh yes and Hezbollah is ruining the tourist trade.

So; here is my plot synopsis for the next James Bond movie.

Bond is in the Caribbean (Why? Who cares?  He's always there).  Cut to standard scenes of white beaches, translucent waters and an endless sea of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models wearing bikinis a size too small.  Try to avoid getting shots of spring breakers vomiting on each other and fortyish women getting onto cruise liners while giving money (just to help out their family) to the handsome young black men they made such a connection with last night.  Daniel Craig is there looking coolly dangerous or dangerously cool (is there no acting feat too difficult for this man?  Answer; no. I saw him in Tomb Raider).  At some point (but within the first fifteen seconds) somebody Bond is supposed to meet gets murdered or somebody he's supposed to murder stays stubbornly alive setting off a chase scene involving at least nine different types of automobile, a jet boat, a toboggan, a carnival float and if we can manage it the Large Hadron Collider.  During the course of this chase most of wherever it is Bond is gets demolished and the enemy he was chasing gets away or the ally he was attempting to help gets killed.

Leaving the tropical island paradise looking rather like Haiti after a visit by Angelina Jolie Bond repairs to London where he is told in no uncertain terms by his superiors that he is a complete fuck up and given an even more important job to do.  Apparently the dead friend (or escaped enemy) possessed vital information relating to a shadowy plot that seems to involve Russian mafiosi and Hezbollah collaborating to blow up Cyprus with nuclear weapons or some such.  Bond must deal with this first by flying to Macau (or Hanoi or somewhere else picturesque in Asia) to meet with the only other person who might be able to give them a lead (because the British Secret Service apparently hasn't heard of skype).  In Hanoi (or Macau or wherever) Asian flavour is added by having the Sports Illustrated models wearing something that might resemble a fetishwear designers idea of what traditional Asian dress is supposed to look like.  Bond will sleep with one of them (it doesn't matter who) she will get killed (it doesn't matter why) and amid all the action Bond will find something that leads him to Cyprus.

Arriving in Cyprus Bond will be menaced by Russian thugs of various persuasions (mobsters, FSB, aggressive time share salesmen? It doesn't really matter) and will proceed to kill most of the Russians on the island (there are only about twenty thousand of them so it shouldn't take him more than fifteen minutes or so).  Towards the end of this impromptu ethnic cleansing Bond will learn that the Russians are as baffled by the nuclear weapons plot as he is and so he links up with the few of them he's left alive to assault the Hezbollah headquarters cunningly hidden in a Lebanese carpet warehouse.  Mass automatic weapons fire ensues as well as at least one excruciatingly long one on one combat with somebody who looks like the only reason he doesn't take steroids is because his naturally antibodies would probably beat them up.  Bond will kill this person, demolish part of the building but the chief bad guy will escape and there will be no sign of the nuclear weapons.

Pausing to leave the girl (I didn't mention the girl, just slot her in where it seems convenient, no doubt Bond will) Bond takes to the air (or the sea or whatever other totally hostile environment can be provided five minutes from downtown Nicosia) and runs the villain to earth where there is a combination of brutal combat interspersed with plot exposition. Bond will thus learn that there never were any nuclear weapons and the entire plot was just a diversion to distract British intelligence's attention from Hezbollah's infiltration of the EU where it is busy issuing insane directives in an attempt to destroy European unity (Hezbollah touchingly believing that the destruction of European unity requires outside assistance).  Finally the chief villain is dispatched in a dramatic way and Vladimir Putin turns up leading reinforcements and offers to deal with Hezbollah once and for all by nuking Brussels.  Bond's answer is unrecorded but he definitely doesn't say "No".

There we are the perfect Bond film.  Somebody please pass this along to the people who make the James Bond movies and get Daniel Craig to call me.  Not about the movie, I just thinks he's hot.