Heroin and Polar Bears

According to a news report I saw recently cannabis can cause you to have a stroke.  This is terrible news, next they'll discover that heroin gives you cancer.  As a matter of fact I'm surprised that nobody has suggested this already.  If heroin doesn't give you cancer it is on a small and rapidly decreasing list of things that don't.  In fact when you take into consideration the fact that heroin doesn't give you cancer (so far) and is sourced from all natural ingredients we can probably get it up to the line as a health food.

Nowadays pretty much everything gives you cancer with the possible exception of heroin and polar bears.  I suspect this has something to do with our life expectancy.  Back in the days when forty years was a pretty good innings most things simply didn't have time to give us cancer.  If you wanted to kill us you had to be pretty fast acting to get in before we died anyway.  Now as we expand our years on earth beyond the traditional three score and ten (which struck me as wildly optimistic considering when it was written) we have discovered that the entire planet causes cancer.

So I guess that leaves us with heroin and polar bears as our only refuge.  Unfortunately there aren't too many places on earth with easy access to both.  The journey between the two will expose us to all sorts of carcinogens and the stress and worry of attempting to lead a cancer free life will probably give us, you guessed it, cancer.  There are other problems as well.  Heroin is expensive and accessing it will put you into contact with the kind of people you would do well to avoid like policemen and drug counsellors.  Also it is very difficult to access polar bears when you're in prison serving a sentence for drug possession.  There is a limit to what can be smuggled in on a conjugal visit.

Actually polar bears are pretty difficult to access anyway.  Since all the icecaps melted (that did happen right?) the entire polar bear population of the world has been living on a single cube in my drambuie and ice while the world's seal population laughs from a safe distance.  If anybody wants one I'll need three good references and I don't deliver to prisons.

So as you can see living a cancer free life is pretty difficult.  I would write more on this subject but I'm currently in hospital after trying to steal heroin from a strung out polar bear.