The Leviathan Will Kick the Kraken's Arse and Floss With a Tentacle Afterwards

How can you tell the difference between a kraken and a leviathan?  Simple, count the tentacles.  If you get as far as one it isn't the leviathan.  For those who want something a little more specific the leviathan is the one that guards the gates of Hell and the kraken is the dozy one that spends most of its time sleeping around Greenland.  In the kraken's defence there isn't a hell of a lot to do on a Friday night in Greenland.

The leviathan interest me though, especially the bit about guarding the gates of Hell.  Has anybody else noticed that in virtually every mythology there is some sort of monstrous beast guarding the gates of Hell?  Why?  Is there a dress code or something?  If you pop out for a cigarette does the leviathan have to stamp your arm before you're let back in?  What exactly was the conversation that took place when Hell was being designed?
"OK, flames; check, unimaginable torments; check, dark fallen angels; check, souls of the damned to undergo aforementioned unimaginable torments; check.  So what else do we need?  Oh yes, a door bitch."

I'm sure various religious scholars will point out that the purpose of these multifarious guardians is not to keep people out but to keep the damned in.  That's even more stupid, you create a place where the damned will be tortured for all eternity but you need a guard on the door to stop them wandering off.  Somebody didn't come up with an effective security system before rushing the designs through council.

I wonder how much something like the leviathan charges for its services?  After all its on the job 24-7 and that's before you factor in penalty rates, overtime and religious holidays.  Frankly I think it would make more sense to get rid of the door keeper and just put Hell on the honour system.  Sure you'd lose a few but there's always more turning up and it isn't like you're going get audited or anything.  Even if you were any sensible auditor would measure up the likelihood of turning up again on a more permanent basis and would probably give the thumbs up to a relatively lax security regime.

All of which means the overworked leviathan can take a well deserved break.  It can swim up to Greenland and give that lazy bugger of a kraken a good kicking.  Because, let's face it, the kraken has had it easy for far too long.  Sure it wakes up from time to time to drag some hapless ship to a watery doom but most of the time it just wallows around sleeping.  In the gruesome, mythical beast job description lottery the kraken definitely got the edge on the leviathan.  A little payback is in order I think and the leviathan is the creature for the job.  While the kraken has been getting fat and lazy among the ice flows the leviathan has kept down to a trim fighting weight chasing would be escapees all around Hell's front yard.  It probably even had to take Cerberus for walkies.  It wouldn't even be a contest, there would be a brief flurry of bubbles off the coast of Greenland and then we'll all be eating Leviathan brand calamari.  The kraken will rise all right but only if it wasn't properly refrigerated.