I Might Visit the Pole of Right Next Door

On the 14th of December, 1958 a team of Soviet explorers became the first people to reach the Southern Pole of Relative Inaccessibility.  When I discovered this information I paused briefly to consider human courage, endurance, determination and most of all; what the hell is a pole of inaccessibility?  Realising that I could not draw another breath without adding this piece of monumental inconsequence to my pool (well, puddle) of knowledge I did a little research.  I now present the fruits of those arduous seconds of investigation for your edification.

A pole of inaccessibility is a spot on the Earth's surface defined essentially by how difficult it is to get there.  That is it is generally as far as possible from any practical starting point.  In the case of the Southern Pole of Relative Inaccessibility this is the spot in Antarctica which is furthest from the Great Southern Ocean thus ensuring that the hapless traveller must traverse the maximum amount of bleak, frozen hellscape in order to get there.  Once you arrive there isn't even a pole, just a bust of Lenin staring towards Moscow.

Poles of inaccessibility are really only of interest to explorers, thrill seekers and others who find the normal world too dull but have inexplicably failed to develop a drug habit.  You know, the sort of people who are prepared to waste a perfectly good life travelling a very long way under conditions of terrible privation in order to get absolutely nowhere and then turn around and come back.  Doing all of this while carrying a bust of Lenin on your back is, apparently, optional.  Frankly I can't help thinking that these explorer types are getting just a little desperate.  Let's face it; all the mountains have been climbed, deserts traversed, continents found, tribes enslaved, jungles conquered (and in many cases, bulldozed).  Is it any wonder that they're resorting to making stuff up?  Pretty soon poles of inaccessibility will lose their edge as well then they'll have to come up with something new.

In a spirit of human compassion I have decided to help by creating a whole new crop of poles for these daredevils to reach.  First up is the Pole of Ranting Tedium.  He lives in my apartment block just up the back.  Risks involved in this expedition include avoiding our surly caretaker, the very real possibility of magpie attack and the likelihood that a twenty two stone Polish ex soldier will beat the crap out of you if you make it to his apartment.  This can be an introductory expedition.  Once you've survived that you can journey to the Pole of Exotic Dancers.  On the way you will encounter such natural phenomena as vomit pools, fields of broken glass and rubbish slides while avoiding the maddened charges of the dreaded steroid addled bouncer.  Once inside you have to run the gauntlet of the police raid (or worse, their Christmas party) to reach your goal.  After this you're ready for the big leagues.  Take a journey to the Poles Apart.  This is where you pick two separate places on the Earth's surface and attempt to travel to both of them simultaneously.  Extra points will be awarded if you manage it while towing a bust of Lenin.