Get Your Exoskeleton Today!

Why don't humans have an exoskeleton?  I think I'd look pretty cool with a bone white plating over all of my soft bits.  Exoskeletons are pretty popular with crustaceans but they never really took off with mammals and I'm not entirely sure why.  After all mammals have just as many squishy bits to protect as the average lobster.  As it stands all the vulnerable parts of the human body seem to be on the outside.  By the time anything stuck into us hits bone the damage has already been done.  OK we would lose a certain amount of flexibility but I'm not a particularly good dancer anyway and besides, what else is segmenting for?

I'm sure you can see the advantages.  In sport for example a "bone crunching tackle" would be more than just a commentators verbal flatulence.  Bruises, minor cuts and injuries would become things of the past.  Naturally this wouldn't be good news for the band aid industry but somebody has to make a sacrifice and if that somebody isn't me so much the better.  I rather suspect that it is vested corporate and political interests that have artificially held back evolution to prevent the development of a functioning exoskeleton.

It makes a lot of sense when you think about it (unless you think about it a lot in which case it makes no sense at all).  I've already mentioned the band aid issue but what would the cosmetics industry industry do if the only thing they could market was bone bleach?  Clothing manufacturers would be out of a job as well, after all who would want to conceal their gleaming white carapace?  As for governments, well I think the threat to them is pretty obvious.  No matter how liberal a government is, how honest or how bound by the rule of law or how much genuine support they receive from the governed every government ultimately stands or falls by its ability to get people in uniform to beat up the recalcitrant.  This would be a lot harder if the recalcitrants were effectively wearing body armour.

Still I doubt if these evolutionary reactionaries will be able to hold us back for ever.  The benefits are just too obvious; protection, simplicity and a built in Halloween costume just to name the only ones I can think of.  Naturally there are drawbacks as well.  For starters we would have to bathe in what is likely to be the all body equivalent of toothpaste.  It's not going to be a good time for anybody who doesn't like the smell of mint.