Trees Everywhere But Try Getting A Toothpick When You Want One

The weekend papers annoy me somewhat. Every weekend paper has supplements, lift outs and "lifestyle" sections. I would not presume to dignify my rather mundane existence with the fancy title of "lifestyle" but if I did I probably wouldn't waste any of my time reading about it in the weekend papers. No! I would be out there living my lifestyle and serving as a beacon to others as I plough my chosen furrow. The teeming masses who look to me for guidance would scour the weekend papers for hints on how to make their lives just a little more like mine.

Does that sound even the slightest bit plausible? I doubt it, even if you inserted a more likely name than mine as the lifestyle front runner. Yet these supplements get written and, presumably, read. I refuse to believe it. I cannot believe that anybody reads these things. So why are they written? It can only be a long running, deep seated plot to reduce the number of trees in the world.

Ringing across the virgin forests, above the howl of the chainsaws, is the proud battlecry of the forestry industry, "We must get the weekend supplements out" and nobly do the loggers answer the call. Neither the ache of their muscles nor the sweat stinging in their eyes will deter them from their chosen calling. As for environmentalists; they can get fucked. The trees themselves pick up the mood and hurl themselves forward, eager to meet the chainsaws sweet caress, vying among themselves for the opportunity to become a four page colour illustrated review of toilet brushes imported from Italy.

At some point people of power and influence looked around and said, "There are just too many damned trees in the world" and so weekend supplements were born. It must be admitted that at one point large parts of the world were overrun with trees. They're not exactly rare even now. Obviously the burgeoning tree menace needed to be addressed and reams of slightly malformed photocopy paper could only do so much. Hence the need for weekend supplements.

As theories go the above has logic and simplicity to recommend it, or at least more logic and simplicity than any other theory for the existence of weekend supplements that is likely to be advanced.