Freeze or Fry? Why Choose When You Can Have Both

Winter has finally arrived much to the surprise of global warming proponents. I always find it strange that people point to a hot Summer as evidence of global warming. Summers are supposed to be hot, at least in this country. I would me more convinced of climate change if we had cold Summers. However there is good news on the climate front. Apparently planetary temperatures are about to plummet. The cause is the Sun. It would appear that we are moving into a period of minimal sunspot activity. This will cause global temperatures to drop (why? I don't know). The last time we had such a flatline in the sun spot stakes medieval Europe (and probably the rest of the world) underwent an event that future scientists with an eye for a soundbite (ear for a soundbite?) labelled the mini ice age.

Now, one can, if one is so minded, consider this a fortunate coincidence. I prefer to see it as evidence of a self correcting system. As we bake the planet the Sun dials it back a notch to compensate. What could be more elegant or convenient. Or, let us face it, intrinsically unlikely. Mother nature doesn't have a great track record of balancing things out like this. Normally when something gets out of balance things hideously die. I rather suspect that instead of a nice even temperature pattern we're going to get both extremes at once. The equatorial regions will boil while the glaciers are advancing in the northern latitudes (they'll be advancing in the southern latitudes too but fewer people live there so, who cares?)

When these twin disasters hit there are going to be huge problems which will fortunately solve themselves. Yes millions of people will flee from flooded regions like Bangladesh, Florida and Venice but these desperate refugees will fortunately be eaten by the newly rampant polar bears now marauding as far south as France. The great coastal cities will be drowned of course altering human life forever but on the other hand the appalling death toll will be relieve a huge burden on our diminished food stocks. Predicting the weather will become nearly impossible but on the other hand we'll be able to enjoy both Summer and Winter sports all year round. We will be able to use the same venue for ice hockey and water polo at different times of the day.

This sort of bimageddon could well be the making of the human race. We will emerge from our trial by fire and ice leaner, fitter, tanned and furry. We will be a hard core, kick arse gang of bear killing, frost loving, water skiing, sun worshipping survival machines. Best of all we will finally have a practical use for the fur lined bikini.