I Think Therefore iPhone

I have folded a t-shirt, emptied an ashtray and wrapped slices of something pink that were putatively carved from a dead animal in glad wrap and put them in the freezer. Domestic chores completed for the day it is time to turn my attention to my blog. The most exciting news in my life at the moment (and a sad indictment of my life in general) is that after months of resistance I have acquired an iPhone. I have had it for two weeks now and already I can barely remember life without it. How on earth did I survive without having google maps at my fingertips? Now if anybody needs directions to the British High Commission in Windhoek I can direct them with confidence (its on Robert Mugabe Avenue a couple of blocks down from the TransNamib train station). There seems to be no end of exciting things my iPhone can do except actually make phone calls. The phone calling function seemed a little dysfunctional. As it happened a friend told me there was a problem and I would have to get it replaced. Now I have a new iPhone and it works fine.

I should point out at this moment that I didn't actually buy an iPhone. Dear god no. My employers saw fit to give me one. It should also be noted that they were less interested in my ability to make phone calls than in my ability to receive emails at 1 o'clock in the morning. This glittering technological marvel (no doubt knocked together by half starved, suicidal Chinese but, whatever) was presented to me as an unsubtle attempt to extend my working hours into infinity. I'm quite ridiculously pleased with it, or at least I would be if I could figure out how to get the songs from my ipod onto it.

The iPhone is quite simply the sexiest and most exciting labour causing device on the planet. Do you remember all the excitement that occurred some years ago when electronic devices were really starting to take off. Everybody was envisaging being able to work from home, in their pyjamas having coffee whenever they wanted and a quick word with the wife and kids during the quiet moments. Well it was all true, the only thing they didn't tell you was that you would be doing all of this after putting in your usual ten hours in the office. So how has the human race reacted to this massive increase in work? Absolute delight. We love our iPhone, blackberries, ipads and god knows what else. A handful of crappy apps and some cheesy ring tones and apparently we're prepared to put ourselves in chains for the rest of our lives. Social interaction now consists of sitting around with friends and completely ignoring them while you text somebody else who isn't in the room.

If the Egyptian Pharaohs had had the sense to string tinkly bells on their overseers whips the pyramids would have been built in half the time. I would go so far as to say that if you built an iron maiden with internet connectivity and access to facebook then people would be queueing to get into it. This leads me to two important conclusions; firstly, people (including me) are really really stupid. Secondly, there is nothing more important than triviality. In the past on this blog I have written unflattering things about such pointless idiocies as bottled water, Kim Kardashian and the Hadron Supercollider but I was wrong, so wrong. If somebody came to me today with the salvation of mankind I would send him away and tell him not to come back until I could download my favourite songs and video clips to it. More bells, more whistles, more tinsel, more silly little games and humorous sound effects please. Once you've got all that, ditch the salvation of mankind crap, I need that space to store the Downfall videos I've taken off youtube.