Memo to the Guys at the Hadron Supercollider; Game On, Bitches!

The scientists at the Hadron Supercollider had better start bashing the bosons otherwise they're going to get left behind in the race to discover the origins of the universe. Is it a race? It is now. In the last few days it has come to my attention that "scientists" (they never mention which ones, it could be a research foundation sponsored by Dr Doom, Professor Farnsworth and Davros) are planning to build a gravity telescope. The purpose is to measure gravity waves which are apparently sloshing around our universe like subatomic bathwater.

I have to admit that I don't understand the science (or the mentality) behind the intention to build what is being called the Einstein Telescope but apparently as these waves of gravity surge through the planet things expand and contract a little. At this point it might be helpful to think of the earth as a sort of giant wobbleboard and gravity waves as a kind of cosmic Rolf Harris. Or it might not, it certainly didn't help me. The scientists at the telescope intend to fire laser beams down ten kilometre long vacuum chambers and measure the minute changes in actual distance as those brutal gravity waves pound our hapless planet. This means...oh I don't know what it means. I have no idea how they are hoping achieve anything but according to their spokesman (whose name, I think, was Dr Strangelove) these measurements will enable scientists to understand the creation of the universe, see black holes and determine which powder washes whitest. The team at the supercollider must be chewing their atom hammers in envy.

So it's a race with the grand prize being a universal theory of everything. On one side we have the frenzied atom smashers of Hadron versus the laser firing lunatics of Einstein. This is sounding more and more like the sort of game they might play at Hogwarts. It has to be admitted that Team Hadron have a definite advantage, their equipment is up and running. Team Einstein haven't even decided where they will dig their tunnels yet. They have wisely ruled out earthquake zones on the grounds that the seismic disturbances might make it difficult to measure gravity waves. Oh yes, and they could all get horribly killed. Digging is essential because apparently those ten kilometre long vacuum chambers have to be at least eight hundred metres underground. Which leads me to my own conclusion. If you want a career as a theoretical physicist perhaps the first qualification you need is some familiarity with a shovel.