Perhaps the Tennis Should Come With a Parental Advisory

Well the Australian Open has rolled around again bringing with it the usual combination of sleep deprivation and overblown expectations on Australian players. I like watching the tennis but the Australian Open is one tournament that I usually watch with my fingers in my ears so I don't have to hear the commentary.

Honestly, an Australian player only has to drive past the arena in a taxi for the commentators to go into paroxysms of enthusiasm about their skills, their chances, how they've improved, how that leg amputation won't slow them down too much and so on. Should one of these hapless individuals show their face on an actual tennis court the Australian commentary team goes absolutely apeshit, ejaculating thick streams of idiotic drivel that nicely complements the disaster happening out on court. Frankly by about the third game I don't think the commentators are able to see out of the windows of the box anymore.

Gamely attempting to inject something approximating sanity is Jim Courier an American whom I believe we fly out from a homeless shelter in Boston once a year so that he can cower under the desk in a waterproof suit waiting for the opportunity to say something sensible. Eventually, as the Australian commentators gasp for breath and fumble for the tissues, Courier gets his chance and starts an almost coherent sentence. But then Lleyton Hewitt breaks wind and the Aussie commentators are off again raving about how this is a good sign for him and that he seems so much more relaxed than last year, enjoying his tennis, had a good run up and blah blah blah. Courier retreats back under the desk until the downpour lessens and wishes he'd saved some of that prize money from his playing days.

Actually I don't like too much sanity in my tennis commentary, I much prefer insanity. Step forward Henri Leconte. Leconte is living proof that we should be drug testing the commentary team rather than the players. I love listening to him comment; he laughs, he shrieks, he hoots, he gibbers. He makes almost as much unnecessary noise as a female Russian tennis player. And if a Frenchman happens to be playing watch out because there's no stopping him. In between inane babbling and outright barracking for his man he manages to slip in the occasional insightful comment on the game. He is a joy to listen to. Unlike the rest of the commentary team which makes me feel slightly as though the sound feed for the tennis got mixed up with a porn movie track.

The commentary on the women's matches is just as bad although somewhat quieter. I have just finished watching Jelena Dokic get beaten by Barbora Zalavova Strycova. Quietly whatever has been female player was sitting next to Bruce McElveny pointed out that Zala etcetera etcetera has the wrong sort of temperament for the style of tennis she plays. Apparently she is a counter puncher which requires a calm temperament but she has a fiery one. God, no wonder it took her two whole sets to crush Dokic like a bug.

Apparently if you are a counter puncher you should be calm and relaxed like Andre Agassi. Since Agassi spent at least a portion of his career completely fucked up on drugs possibly a better example could have been picked. Alternatively if she wants to be fiery she should eschew the counter punching for a more aggressive style such as leaping the net and beating her opponent to death with a tennis bat, racquet, whatever, who the hell cares. Something which was affecting both players (according to the aforementioned has been) was heavy, fluffy balls. Cut down on the steroids girls but in the meantime I have some cream which might prove helpful.

One thing that is missing from this Australian Open is Serena Williams thus depriving the commentary team of the opportunity to say how fat and unfit she looks. Roger Rashid looks as though he's about to go into withdrawal. Venus Williams is doing her best by wearing silly clothing and playing under an injury cloud but its just not the same.

With Dokic gone it is up to Samantha Stosur and Alicia Molik to carry the flag in the women's draw. Excuse me? Alicia Molik? I thought she was dead, or commentating. Pretty much the same thing really. But no, she's out on the court winning matches, well match. I'm sure she's pleased and I'm very happy for her but the commentary team are already parleying this into the possibility of her and Sam Stosur meeting in the final. Only if losing players get free tickets guys.

I must go now, Federer is playing Gilles Simon of France. I am so hoping Leconte will be part of the commentary team.