We Should Give Lady Gaga the Nobel Peace Prize

I've just come home from a trip to the bookshop unsuccessfully looking for a present for my brother. Sorry Geoffrey, its going to be another pair of socks this year. I almost bought him a biography of Lady Gaga. He requested something strange and useless and that seemed to fill both categories rather nicely. In the end sanity (and a desire not to be hit by flying cutlery) prevailed and I left the shop empty handed.

Why in the name of all the dark and malevolent gods is there a biography of Lady Gaga? The woman only turned up a fortnight ago it seems and now there's a biography of her. Can't we wait until she does something even remotely worth chronicling before trotting out some tedious account of how she got to where she is? Don't think that this is really a diatribe against Lady Gaga. I quite like her in the same way as I like most women who appear bat crazy enough to sleep with me (sad I know but its a small circle). I am even aware that she has a singing career or at least that she uses the excuse of a singing career to look like a lunatic in public.

The first time I saw Lady Gaga I thought she was a Madonna impersonator. Then I had the horrible suspicion that it might actually be Madonna. Finally I settled with a good deal of relief into the realisation that she is a Madonna imitator. Unfortunately since Madonna did all the good crazy stuff (and a fair bit of the bad) all poor Gaga is left with is to resemble Madonna on a bad personality day. And yet she gets a biography. It is entitled The Rise and Rise of Lady Gaga which makes her sound like a helium balloon. Actually she does sound like a helium balloon but I'm sure that's just a coincidence.

Once upon a time you had to do something to get a biography. You had to lead a nation, discover an element or plunge the world into a horrifying war. Now all you have to do is drape meat over yourself and make tasteless music videos. I wonder if its too late to launch my singing career. Of course its not really Gaga's fault if somebody decides to breathlessly dialogue events of the slightly less than twenty five years that she's been alive and perhaps she does have a genuinely uplifting personal tale to tell. But who cares, biographies should be written at the end of a person's life and preferably after they're dead. That way there is less danger that they will be able to influence it themselves. Nobody will ever write a biography of me but if they did and I was still alive there would be entire decades that I would excise.

Still a biography of Lady Gaga we have. So, what to do now. I think the only thing we can do is create a genuine reason for her to have one. Georges Clemenceau who was Prime Minister of France for a while once awarded the Legion of Honour to a businessman whose sole claim to fame was the size of his election donation. As he pinned it on Clemenceau is said to have commented "You have the Legion of Honour sir, now all you have to do is earn it." I suggest we give a significant award to Lady Gaga so that we have something to put in her biography.

My suggestion, and I think its a good one, is that we give her the Nobel Peace Prize. Let's face it an award as nebulous and open to interpretation as this allows a broad scope of discussion. The ensuing controversy would take up at least two chapters in a new Gaga biography and would give a reason for the damn thing being written in the first place. Lest anybody think that Gaga is a poor candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize permit me to remind you that Al Gore was awarded one for doing little more than putting on weight and delivering a powerpoint presentation. Barack Obama can't even claim that much justification for his prize.

Over the years the Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to Henry Kissinger, Yasser Arafat and Yitzhak Rabin amongst others. At least Lady Gaga hasn't actually been responsible for anybody being killed as far as I know. That really should be part of the selection process.
"Kill anybody?"
"No"
"OK, you're on the short list"

One could also make an argument that she promotes understanding. At least anybody who understands her should be promoted. She brings people together, sometimes of course to say things like "Get rid of this person" but fostering unity should always be rewarded. She has given the world music (or something vaguely analogous to music) whereas all the current holder has done is sign a couple of petitions and spend much of his time living at taxpayers expense.

Finally of course there is the possibility that such an award would be an inspiration. Perhaps Lady Gaga will follow in the footsteps of a previous winner like Mother Teresa and minister to Calcutta's poor (sorry Calcutta, you may have to take one for the team). Or perhaps we could see if the government of Myanmar are prepared to trade her for Aung San Suu Kyi. She could give the leaders fashion tips. Finally of course there would be the chat shows, the syndicated column and the possibility that on her next tour of China the government will lock her up in Jinzhou Prison just to be on the safe side.

Now that would make a great chapter in her biography.