Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Soup

There is a program on television just now called Iron Chef Australia. The title, I presume, is to ensure that people don't watch Iron Chef Anywhere Else by mistake. I like Iron Chef, its so much better than the crappy Plastic Chef that we get nowadays. According to someone who actually watched it the Iron Chef wannabes must create a dish using a particular ingredient of the day. Last night the ingredient was, apparently, turtle. At least I hope it was because otherwise the set must now be littered with surplus to requirements cooked turtles. I know from personal experience how annoying that can be. There are no fewer than one hundred and eighty seven cooked turtles cluttering up my apartment. Some of you may be wondering what I'm doing with so many cooked turtles and to those people I say, mind your own business. Still they are rather annoying. Oh some of them are rendering sterling service as bookends and I plan to hollow out a few and put candles in them (Halloween is coming) but for the most part they just sit there making the place look untidy. There are so many I've had to keep some of them in the oven thus imparting a cooked turtle flavour to everything I eat. Which is good for soup but not so great for cinnamon cake. I've started using them in arguments with the neighbours and have actually set up a miniature trebuchet on the balcony. This also helps to explain why casual visitors to my apartment block think it has turtle shell cladding. Actually its turtle everything cladding.

Leaving aside my attempts at chelonian based warfare for a moment there are definite advantages to cooking turtles. You don't need bowls for one thing. Also they're not exactly difficult to catch. Turtle farming must be a pretty relaxed business.
"Harry! The turtles are escaping!"
"Mmm, I'll get onto it after dinner"
Of course we will have to revise advice like "stick a fork in it to see if its done". A hammer and chisel might do better and lets face it the last person to the table will be stuck with the crunchy bits.

Incidentally, has anybody else noticed a serious chink in the turtles armour? Adult turtles have impressively solid shells but turtle eggs are soft and leathery. In fact they're barely eggs at all, they're more like turtle jelly (delicious with icecream) or possibly turtle sludge. Frankly I suspect that the hefty shell the turtle develops as it matures has nothing to do with protection and everything to do with an overreaction to an insecure childhood. I suspect that most turtles could do with a fair bit of time in therapy, sort of help them out of their shell so to speak. I also notice that if you rolled a turtle egg down a hill that particular turtle will be moving faster than it ever will again. At least until I load it into my trebuchet.

I thought turtles were an endangered species but if they're not they soon will be. Knowing the "monkey see, monkey do" attitude of most people who watch programs like Iron Chef it won't be long before the entire turtle population of the planet is harvested by eager viewers. My advice to turtles; start running now. That way on Sunday when Iron Chef fans decide to cook their "special" meal the turtles will have a fifteen metre head start. I wish them well.

Some people might claim that this entire blog entry was written so I could do a bunch of lame (or at least very very slow) turtle jokes (and there's another one). Not so, I have actually written this blog to publicise my signature range of turtle shell soap holders and door jambs. Get some in time for Christmas.