Pass the Fermented Bear's Piss Please

A friend of mine has decided to go on the "caveman diet". This is apparently the latest in bizarre ways of feeding yourself that is supposed to result in weight loss, detoxification and general well being. Or to put it another way, it is completely stupid. In an attempt to be helpful I pointed out to him that the diet of the average caveman probably consisted of bugs, tree bark and whatever he could lick off the walls of the cave with perhaps a little raw meat on Sunday if the hunting was good. Sadly my well intentioned commentary wasn't received in particularly good spirit. If my friend isn't careful he will find himself downgraded to "acquaintance" or possibly even "victim".

The first stage of the caveman diet involves "grazing" on nuts and fruit during the day and then gorging yourself at night. I do that anyway except for the fruit and nuts bit. My friend implied that he would still be able to smoke and drink "in moderation" while doing this. I've got to say that this is one hell of a detox. Still in altruistic mode I pointed out that the only time a caveman would have smoked is when his greasy, rancid hair accidentally dangled in the fire and he probably wouldn't be drinking alcohol unless it was fermented bears piss. Again my attempts to be helpful were spurned.

The second stage involves eating nothing at all during the day and then stuffing your face at night. Is this a diet or are we just observing Ramadan? The only thing you can't eat is potatoes. Apparently potatoes were vegetata not grata for our neolithic cousins. You do get to drink water all day if that is the sort of thing that excites you. Stage three involves a sort of combination of stages one and two. The implication is that by this stage you will be craving healthy foods and thus leading a healthier life. In parentheses I should point out that all the water drinking the diet recommends is pretty much a detox process by itself.

What I really don't understand is why "caveman"? Cavemen didn't have a great or healthy life. They dined principally on whatever couldn't outrun them (berries, slugs, carrion) and died at an age when we would be leaving university. They spent most of their lives cold, scared and wretched (although I'm certain some halfwit will be found to wax lyrical on their rich cultural life and attunement with nature). Why doesn't somebody come up with a sensible twenty first century person's diet. Oh wait, they do. It's called a diet. Couple that with some exercise and unless you have an eating disorder or cruel genetics you should lose weight (or at least reposition your weight to its best advantage).

I do acknowledge the irony of me giving diet advice. I have a diet much closer to the caveman than most people I know. That is I eat whatever I can find within scavenging range. In times of desperation I lead a hunting party to the supermarket where I risk life and limb cutting a straggler off from the herd in the freezer section. I know what sensible eating and lifestyle choices are even if I don't take them. I am unlikely to ever consciously embrace an eating routine based on people for whom one slight shift in the weather meant starvation.

I think the caveman thing is a gimmick. In this modern (many would say post modern) world we hunger for the supposed wisdom of bygone times and the spiritual fulfillment that apparently only comes with believing something really silly. If bygone times were so damn wise how come the lives they led were wretched by comparison with our own. The average derelict living on Sydney's streets has a better lifestyle than a peasant from the middle ages and probably a greater life expectancy. In those days diet was whatever you could stuff in your mouth and detox was de poison you smeared on your arrows when you went hunting food.

As for spiritual fulfillment, when seven out of ten babies die in the first two years, plague wipes out your family and famine destroys your farm there can be a certain amount of comfort in knowing that there is a god, he has a plan and if you do your bit he will see you right in the end. Modern people don't need god, we have superannuation. And we most certainly don't need a caveman diet. Cavemen had a caveman diet and they are all dead.