She's Finger Licking Good

There is an article on the Sydney Morning Herald website entitled "Jam Made From Princess Diana's Hair Sells Well". Sometimes I wonder why I bother with this blog. Real life just seems to be more bizarre than anything I can make up. Before everybody rushes out to buy a jar of Diana Spencer Conserve I should warn you that it was made specifically for an art exhibition in London. The maker claims he did it to "provoke people into thinking about food marketing and what they eat". Personally I think he is trying to introduce cannibalism by stealth. Cannibalism has gained a bad reputation over the past fifty thousand years or so and Hannibal Lecter didn't really do much for it either.

With the imprimatur of the Princess of Wales however I think that cannibalism could be making an overdue comeback. Like many other habits it started out on the fringes of society and has been going mainstream. Think of it like tattooing. Thirty years ago the only people with tattoos were prisoners, bikies and prostitutes. Oh, and Maoris. Great people the Maoris, won't hear a word said against them. Please don't hit me. But for non Maoris tattooing used to be an indication of definite lower class status. Now everybody has tattoos, well not me but I'm sensible. There's no way I'm allowing somebody near me with a needle unless they have a medical degree or ask nicely. Now cannibalism is getting on the bandwagon. Formerly the domain of a handful of crazed perverts who communicated via the internet (or gaol) cannibalism has developed to the stage where it can be spread on your toast.

This is great news for the Princess of Wales who would no doubt have faded into obscurity if she wasn't now a meal fit for a king (or at least a prince). I anticipate that jars of jam with her picture on the label could be in supermarkets all over Britain by Christmas, as long as the hair holds out. After that's gone we're going to have to see what other bits of her we can scrape up. This will only be the start of course. Now that she has shown the way no doubt other, lesser celebrities will jump on the bandwagon. We can expect to see jelly from Jordan, sweetmeats from Graham Norton and herpes from Paris Hilton. I realise the last isn't a food but I can't think of anything else one might get from Paris Hilton. Pretty soon it will be the last word in social elegance at dinner parties to serve up a small portion of the host for the delectation of the guests. This is an excellent idea as it will open up a whole new field for gossip columnists and other unemployables who will be able to pass rumours and scuttlebutt about who exactly tasted of what and who wasn't as delicious as you might think. Just think of the gossip mag headlines "Fettucine Jolie Falls Flat" and other such gems.

Naturally there will be a certain limit to the number of dinner parties you can actually throw. When each party means the loss of a portion of yourself you will limit parties to special occasions and only invite those you genuinely want to see. "Shall we invite the Harrises?" "God no, I'm not having them chewing my ear the entire night". And just think of the cachet of being invited to the last party the host can possibly hold. Think of it as a wake where the guest of honour is also the dish of the day. Cannibalism of this sort will limit the number of dinner parties thrown and will thus lead to a reduction in the number of arguments with the neighbours, embarrassment in front of colleagues and probably divorces. How many failed marriages got their fatal blow because of behaviour at a dinner party of some kind? With the host hovering anxiously to see if you like his kidney I'm sure there will be less inclination for unacceptable behaviour.

Of course cannibalism will be extremely popular with certain types of environmentalists and other people who persist in believing that a large population is an indication of failure rather than success. We will have to be careful to make sure that these people don't hijack the agenda or cannibalism will lose its social standing in a heartbeat, to say nothing of what People for the Ethical Treatment of Humans might get up to. But these are just minor concerns that will not outweigh the benefits of increased good manners, reduced divorce statistics and a rediscovery of social etiquette. Of course barbecues and bring a plate nights will need to be handled carefully, you don't want to go to all the trouble of slicing off a piece of your thigh to find that six other people have had the same idea, nevertheless I think we can look forward to a slightly more civilised future.

Cannibalism: Helping to Preserve Society's Values. Feel free to use that slogan if you think it will help.