A Vote for Neil is a Vote for Depraved Insanity

A pale yellow disc appeared in the skies today causing consternation among the people. Peasants cowered fearfully in their huts and various religions vied to proclaim their own particular end of days. My grandfather told me there was no need to worry; the disc, he said, was called the Sun and it was once very common in the days before the rain. I don't know whether to believe him or not, he has been dead for several years and is probably not up to speed with today's weather conditions.

It has been an interesting week on the weather front (get it) in New South Wales. Mini tornadoes have hit a couple of areas and left litter all over the place. Our state premier (the cute blonde with the American accent for those who can't remember or desire to forget) declared a state of emergency at Lennox Head but didn't seem to have any TV advertising ready. It isn't really an emergency if it doesn't have a sizeable publicity budget.

Of course it's entirely possible that the emergency the premier declared was a reference to the state of her government. On reviewing the previous sentence I realise I should have used inverted commas around the last word. Following hard on the heels of the resignation in disgrace of the MP for Penrith the government has now lost three ministers in a fortnight. The Minister for Transport decided to spend more time with his wife after being caught leaving a gay bathhouse. The Minister for Special Events resigned after being caught accepting favours from an industry connected to his portfolio and the Minister for Juvenile Justice resigned on what appears to be, at first glance, a matter of principle. Apparently the government was juvenile enough for him but didn't possess enough justice.

Seriously, the Minister for Juvenile Justice resigned after conducting a review into the entire system of juvenile justice and making a series of recommendations that were ignored in their entirety by the government. In these circumstances the minister felt he had to resign. Who would have thought we had such ministers left to us. Well we don't, he just resigned. Rather than take the risk of promoting somebody else the premier chopped up all of these portfolios and scattered them around those ministers possessed of such little sense of shame that they still turn up to collect their pay. We don't get an election until March which means there is time to have another three premiers before then.

For those people too nauseated to think about it let's review the list of premiers provided to us by the ruling political party. Firstly there was Bob Carr who was premier for ten years and provided an illusion of efficiency by robbing Peter to pay Paul. He fled just before everybody realised that Peter was us ten years later. He was replaced by Morris Iemma who actually won an election shortly afterwards which can only be explained by pointing out that the opposition is a worthless bucket of crap as well. Morris may have been able to see off the opposition but he wasn't able to defeat his colleagues. With the state's infrastructure disintegrating around him poor old Morris tried to do the only thing he could; sell the governments one remaining money spinner, electricity generation, for enough money to at least patch some of the leaks in the roof. The unions didn't like that idea and they arranged for Iemma and his treasurer to both be tossed out and replaced. Iemma's replacement was Nathan Rees a man whose major qualification was that he hadn't done anything and therefore couldn't be proved to have done anything wrong. Sadly for Rees the premiership seems to have gone to his head. Realising that the public were getting increasingly disgusted at the backroom dealing and shadowy king making that typified the government he attempted to assert his independence and name his own cabinet. The backroom dealers and shadowy kingmakers promptly ambushed him, tossed his knife riddled carcass into the gutter and proclaimed Kristina Keneally premier. So far her role has been to protest continually that she isn't a puppet and to accept the resignation of one minister after another.

I do feel sorry for David Campbell, the Minister for Transport although even as I type those words I feel disgusted with them. The simple fact of the matter is he was a wretched minister in a wretched government who should have been hounded over a cliff by a pack of hunting dogs years ago. What he did not deserve was to be followed on his own time by a media outlet with a grudge to settle and have what he did in his spare time splashed all over the news. Said media outlet did try to make some pretence of there being a public interest but I was pleased to see that most of the interested public responded with disgust (against the media outlet not Campbell just for the record). Barely had Campbell's carcass been dragged from the floor like a bear at the end of a baiting when all the other resignations turned up. If things keep going at this rate I might be premier myself by the end of January.

If I am premier my reign shall be harsh and capricious. I will sell the states electricity generation business but I will sell it to myself for a dollar. I will ban all religions except the Jehovah's Witnesses and force everybody to spend twenty hours a week knocking on each others doors to spread the word. Just when it appears that everyone has accepted the new religion I will deify myself and get everyone to start again. I will hand responsibility for the health department over to the Federal government but keep all of the funding and finally I will declare war on Lord Howe Island. My ministers shall be chosen on the basis of who can dance on broken glass for longest and I will solve traffic congestion problems by demolishing Sydney and turning it into a carpark. My birthday will be declared a state holiday and woe betide the interest group who doesn't turn up laden with choice presents.

Of course the election will be in March so, assuming I take power in January, I will only have three months to implement all of this. I'm not worried though, with the current state of the opposition I could probably take the above to the people as an election manifesto and be returned with an increased majority. Hear me ye mortals, for Neil the God is coming and I shall bring unto your lives misery, suffering, despair and unreliable electricity generation. In short it will be remarkably like the state government we have right now.

Vote 1 Neil.