If an Icecap Doesn't Melt in the Next Five Minutes I'm Going to Sue the IPCC

Where the hell has global warming got to? It is freaking freezing here. Is it too much to ask while the Barrier Reef is apparently turning the colour of a ghost gum for a little heat to wander this far south? Every year we get a few hot days in Summer and people look at each other knowledgeably and blame global warming. Guys, its Summer! It's supposed to be hot. How about a little global warming in Winter when it would do some good? Certain climate change activists point out that change doesn't necessarily mean warming. If it doesn't what are we worried about. We already know what to do if the world gets colder. More coal fired power stations. Frogs are worrying some people too. Apparently amphibians are dying all over the place. Of course they are, they're freezing to death! Did I mention its really, really cold.

Meanwhile in the northern hemisphere it is Summer. Surprisingly it is hot there at the moment or so various gloating in-laws inform me. Did I mention that its Summer there at the moment. I'm sitting here freezing and the northern hemisphere is baking because of the way the Earth is wandering around the Sun. That sounds like a silly way for seasons to be organised if you ask me.

Global warming had better get its act together swiftly because if not the major danger to the animals around my parts will be mammoths challenging for the local food supply. At least mammoths are hairy, if I could kill one I could wear its hide as a suit. Actually I could probably make a suit, a pair of pyjamas, a new doona cover and carpet my floor. My point here is that mammoths are big, mammoth really.

The plight of the mammoth puts global warming into perspective. Last time the Earth warmed giant hairy elephants died. This time apparently its frogs. I really don't think the planet is trying very hard, do you? In the meantime I am still sitting here freezing while I wait for a mammoth to wander into the sights of my rifle.

Well no more. I am determined not to be cold any longer. I am going to pile up every frog, toad, salamander and axylotl I can lay my hands on and burn them to keep myself warm. If the fire dies down I'll toss some coral onto it to keep it going. Alternatively I could just shut the windows.