Slutty Tuna Flakes

It being payday I have just bought classy catfood again. One of the tins claims to contain "virgin tuna flakes". I am now racked with guilt. All this time I have been feeding Muffy slutty tuna flakes. Apparently the tins of tuna I have bought up until now have been stocked with fish that have been banging all over the Pacific. What on earth are virgin tuna flakes and can a cat really tell the difference? Does Muffy sample her tuna flakes and think "hmm, this tuna has been round the block a few times"? Why is virgin tuna a selling point anyway? I would have thought vigorous activity might produce a leaner, healthier tuna. I'm assuming fish sex is vigorous, they'd have to do something to stop drifting away. One can imagine the embarrassment if one tuna is just about ready to mate and turns around to see his companion floating off on the gulfstream. I don't even want to know how the catfood company checks to confirm the virgin status of the tuna.

Another tin contains tuna, kelp and seafood strips. This is disturbing for a couple of reasons. For starters kelp is seaweed. I'm pretty sure it isn't part of a normal cats diet. Secondly what are seafood strips? Tuna and (somewhat more problematically) kelp are seafood. Why does the tin find it necessary to mention seafood as well? Pretty much anything that comes out of the ocean and can fit down your throat can be defined as seafood; sponges, jellyfish, small pebbles. Here am I buying (moderately) expensive catfood and Muffy is getting a diet of jellyfish and pebbles.

I don't know why I bother as Muffy's favourite food is whatever I happen to be eating. Toast and vegemite? She goes nuts for it. Muffins with honey? yes please, and god help me if I happen to be cooking meat. I have learnt to cut bits off it and put it in her food bowl before sitting down myself to avoid being beaten up by my own cat. Nevertheless I persist in buying catfood with pretentious sounding labels.

It is probably an indictment of my cooking but a lot of what I put into Muffy's bowl looks a fair bit more appetising that what I'm eating myself. Which is unfair as I put at least five minutes more preparation time into my food than I do into hers. I have even been know to arrange the food on the plate so that the burnt bits are less visible. Exactly who am I trying to impress? Muffy will eat it anyway and so will I. I think the labels on catfood tins are making me feel inferior. Tuna chunks in a light glaze with whole baby whitebait sounds so much better than anything I make myself.

Well no more! The next time I have visitors over (I'm planning a little soiree around about the turn of the century) I will buy some tuna, slice it thinly and proudly tell my guests they are eating slutty tuna flakes. Should be a good evening, I might even provide some kelp.