Cry "Havoc!" and Let Slip the Puppies of Mild Disagreement

Can you believe that Luxembourg has an army? It's true, apparently if the hordes of Genghiz Khan appear on the border 300 or 400 hundred stalwart defenders of Luxembourgish liberty will spring to arms and drive off the invader. Apparently even the Luxembourgers realise this is a little unrealistic which is why they are members of NATO. Furthermore when they deploy they are usually integrated with Belgian troops. Can you imagine being so hard up militarily that you look for assistance from Belgium?


There are certain countries that appear to have no compelling reason for possessing an army. Luxembourg is one of them, another is Italy. Honestly do you really need to have an army when defeat in war is pretty much preordained? Denmark's need for its ten thousand odd troops seems a little specious although you have to love a special forces unit called Slædepatruljen Sirius (they're unarmed sled dog units that patrol Greenland; they must be desperate for global warming). Don't get me started on Haiti. I think that the Haitian police and army should be merged. I realise that's a lot of corruption and brutality to be handled by one organisation but with modern management techniques I think it could be done. Let's face it, the only country Haiti's army has ever invaded has been their own.


The smallest army in the world is, of course, the Swiss Guard, whose revoltingly coloured uniform is surely a tactic to induce nausea in any opposition. There are 110 of these metal jacketed fashion disasters protecting the pope. If there are any more abuse revelations they may have to call in reinforcements. The second smallest army in the world at 245 soldiers makes Antigua and Barbuda a veritable superpower by comparison. Mauritius doesn't have an army but it does have a unit in its police called the "Special Mobile Force". Their motto is "We'll Do It. What Is It?" What "it" is is usually clearing palm trees off the roads after hurricane season.


Possibly the strangest army is that of The Sovereign Military Hospitaller Order of Saint John of Jerusalem, of Rhodes, and of Malta (yes, they're still around). The "army" consists of military medical personnel and are integrated with the Italian army (thus guaranteeing that they will see no fighting).


Since there are all these small and essentially pointless armies knocking about the place I suggest a competition. We could have small wars (in some cases very small) between these nations on neutral ground with a prize for the overall winner. The bottom placed army fights Italy for the wooden spoon. We could hold the wars in Los Angeles, for example, if we can persuade the local drug gangs to take the weekend off to allow for some less harmful activity. I'm sure many of these armies would leap at the chance of practical experience, medals and rapid promotion. After all there can't be very much for them to do most of the time. Although speaking of rapid promotion one strapping young corporal of the Luxembourg army got a very rapid promotion when she married one of the Grand Duke's sons.