What About Stupid Design?

I am so pissed off right now. I had intended to devote a blog entry to the panda bear. The outlines were already in my head and I even had a title worked out, "Die Panda Scum!". Pretty catchy huh? Then for some reason I googled this creative and original phrase and discovered that someone else had used it for the title of an entry in their blog. Furthermore his topic; the fundamental stupidity and worthlessness of the panda was precisely what I was going to write about. Most galling of all, his entry was funnier and cleverer than mine was going to be. So obviously I can't write that entry now but all the thought I put into pandas has been rewarded. I believe that pandas are living proof of the non existence of god. No god could design something as intrinsically silly as the panda, only evolution could be that stupid.

For the record the panda started off several million years ago as an ordinary bear. There was, however, an evolutionary niche waiting to be filled. In the regions the proto-panda hung out in there was an abundance of bamboo. Competition for other food sources was, no doubt, tight and at some point a bear, possibly in desperation, grabbed some bamboo and ate it. From that moment this particular bear species began a downward slide that would result in pandadom.

It must have seemed like such a good idea; almost nothing else was eating bamboo, the bear that could adjust its diet would have the field to itself. Unfortunately there are reasons why nothing else was eating bamboo. Bamboo is inedible; it is difficult to digest, tastes dreadful and has the nutritional value of toenail clippings. Making up in tenacity what they lacked in intelligence the bears compensated by eating an immense amount of bamboo and evolution stepped in to help out. High intelligence requires more fuel than bamboo provides so pandas became stupid, bamboo requires a lot of breaking down so the bears got serious stomaches, vigorous activity drains the tank faster than bamboo can fill it so the bears got slow and disinterested in sex. I don't know where they got the colour scheme from but it is entirely possible that by this stage evolution was just screwing with them. The result of all this was the panda we see and laugh at today.

The panda is a perfect example of why evolution is a much better explanation for life on earth than god. I find it impossible to believe that an omnipotent, omniscient being could think the panda was a good idea for a microsecond. Evolution on the other hand, not having to do any thinking, simply filled a niche in the best way it could find.

The difference between evolution and god is the difference between evolution and intelligent design. You need different standards. Evolution is, if you will, like a mentally retarded child. God is a mathematics professor at MIT. If a mentally retarded child somewhere down the bottom of the special needs class by dint of great effort achieves a mark of 60% in a third grade maths test this is cause for celebration. The child should be deservedly congratulated and its parents will definitely be putting that result on the fridge. If a professor of mathematics from MIT achieves 60% in a third grade maths test he will probably kill people to stop them finding out. This is why the panda is such an achievement for evolution and such a failure for god.

Make no mistake, evolution has done a pretty good job with the panda. It has taken a huge carnivore and adapted it to live on a diet that couldn't support a sparrow. That deserves to go on the fridge. If god had created the panda he would have been greeted with gales of laughter next time he got together for a beer with his mates. They would have pointed out that the panda is fat, slow, stupid and vulnerable to the tiniest amount of interference from one of god's other bright ideas, the human race. In short, god would have done much better to never have created the panda at all.

Speaking of humans the same argument can be used. I think the human race is pretty impressive and not just because I am a member of it. However any close examination starts to reveal the flaws. A miracle of creation we are not; we are a miracle of evolution to be judged by the appropriately low standards.

Working from the top down, examine the head. Yes there is plenty of protection for the brain, full marks for evolution there and only slightly fewer for god. God gets marked down because of the soft, thin part of our skull around the temples. Anatomists may point out the very good reasons for this (I think its so the forceps have something to grip) but if god had created man he would have done better. Teeth are another area where the deity falls down. Two sets for an entire lifetime? He got it more right with sharks. Evolution, which was designing parts for an animal which at the time had a thirty year lifespan, can be forgiven for thinking two sets might be enough.

After the head, examine the body; the heart and lungs are fine, nicely protected by a sturdy but flexible bone structure but after that its a disaster. Stomache, kidneys, liver, spleen and intestines, all critical to the function of the human body just sitting there with no protection whatsover. Of course these areas needed flexibility, room to expand and couldn't be constrained by bone. Evolution made a trade off, that's what evolution does. God should have got it right in the first place. Being a man I can't help being aware that my penis, the most sensitive part of my anatomy hangs there rather like a bell pull just waiting for a sadistic practical joker. Evolution did its best by placing it between the legs thus giving some protection. What the hell was god thinking?

The greatest argument against intelligent design and god in general is sex. Has anybody apart from me noticed that we use the same equipment to make love that we use to void waste materials from the body? Intelligent design isn't something I'm cut out for, I lack both requirements but if I were to design a honeymoon suite I sure as hell wouldn't run an open sewer through the middle of it.

All of the problems, all of the compromises make a lot of sense when you realise that the driving force creating our bodies is making it up as it goes along. In short, evolution. We should probably be grateful our sex organs aren't on the tops of our heads. If our bodies were designed however, they were designed badly. They were designed last thing on Friday afternoon when the designer was late for the pub. Most draughtsmen and probably a few fashion designers could come up with a better blueprint for the human body.

I don't really hate pandas, we're both fine in our own way doing our best to play the cards evolution has dealt us but neither of us is an advertisement for intelligent design. I might be able to accept an argument for stupid design. Which raises a bunch of new and disturbing questions about god. For instance, if he exists does he really know what he's doing?